For me, nothing about pregnancy, childbirth, or babies has been as bad as everyone says. Except morning sickness. Morning sickness was somehow worse. But never fear! Having now walked through morning sickness and come out on the other side twice, I have all the answers. And I am ready to share my wisdom—my morning sickness tips and tricks—with you.
I give you “But Have you tried Ginger?: My Very Wise Guide on how to Handle Morning Sickness.” None of these tips are based on my real life. Characters, situations, and events in this piece are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental.*
It gets better after the first trimester. It absolutely does. All the books say so. Unless it doesn’t. Which is okay. That happens a lot. All the books say so.
Keep your commitments and responsibilities to a minimum when you’re feeling bad. Things like unnecessary meetings, household chores, talking to people, changing clothes, getting out of bed, and taking care of your children can wait a few months until you feel better
But have you tried ginger candy? Ginger chews? Ginger gum? Ginger ale? Those are all lots of fun to throw up.
Some people—especially men who have never been pregnant (this is most men)—will give you a hard time for eating weird foods or taking naps all the time. I recommend that you kill those people immediately because then you don’t have to deal with them again. This is also totally legal. All the books say so.
Repeat the mantra: “I’m not gonna die. I’m not gonna die. I’m not gonna die,” to yourself. It may sound silly, but it’s better than the alternative: “I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die.”
Another great mantra is also a Kanye West tweet: “I am a Christian. I am a taxpayer. I am myself. God is with us.”
But have you tried lemons?
At some point, your husband will have the audacity to eat the last piece of pizza and you will openly weep for half an hour while simultaneously explaining to him that he is the scum of the earth. It just happens. All the books say so. When he offers to get you a whole new pizza, it is protocol to scream “NO THAT IS RIDICULOUS!” That way you still get the pizza but you don’t feel guilty about it.
Many women say that brushing their teeth is a nausea trigger. An easy solution is to stop brushing teeth during pregnancy.
But have you tried B6?
Morning sickness with a toddler is convenient because you’re on the same diet for a while. Eating a few bites at a time of french fries, McNuggets, and Cheerios. You’ll also both ask for very specific foods and then SCREAM LOUDLY and refuse them within a matter of seconds.
Fridge odors are a major nausea trigger for many pregnant women. You can help this by forcing your husband to clean out the fridge every day and eliminate odors that he cannot smell. You may also choose to stuff toilet paper in your nose when walking around the house.
But have you tried peppermints?
The employees at your favorite burrito restaurant will likely be the first to know your happy news because they’ll see you every day for two weeks and ask, “Why are you coming here all the time? We’re concerned.”
But have you tried the blood of 1,000 virgin geese?
Anyway, good luck I guess. Don’t forget about the ginger.
*This is a lie.