A while back, I wrote a very wide guide to surviving morning sickness. But later on it hit me: my wisdom doesn’t stop there. I have a three-year-old and a baby which, these days, makes you a Certified Parenting Expert™ So here I share some of my very wise advice about parenting an infant. I hope my wise and unique advice serves you poor, plebeian parents who know nothing about parenting.
First of all, cherish the days, soak up the moments. One day, you won’t have anyone around telling you to cherish the days and you will look back and miss people telling you to cherish the days all the time.
But have you tried doing a small load of laundry every day?
Breast is best. All the books say so. Unless you have trouble breastfeeding, in which case fed is best. All the books say so. But if you have trouble, it’s probably your fault and you could probably make it work if you just hated yourself a little more. All the books say so. But don’t feel bad. Fed is best, I guess.
In the early days of parenting, your husband may even give you breastfeeding advice. It’s okay, you can kill him, all the books say so. But remember, while all things are permissible, not all things are beneficial. Later you may want your husband around to give more breastfeeding advice.
But have you tried crying it out?
Do you force your baby to do tummy time? It’s a great way to get them to do something they will absolutely hate. But it’s important. No one really knows why. No one knows what will happen if you skip tummy time. But again, it’s like, super important. All the books say so.
At some point in your parenting journey, you may need to see a feeding, sleep, or discipline expert and you’ll think you can’t afford it. But you absolutely can afford it. Just ask a question about what’s troubling you on Facebook. You will get a thousand expert opinions and all it will cost is your faith in humanity.
But have you tried attachment parenting?
Cherish the days, soak up the memories. Treasure the moments. Smell every dirty diaper. Put every spit up stained rag in a shadow box.
Breastfeeding is fun because all of a sudden everyone either: 1. Gets super awkward around you, or b. asks a bunch of questions. Is it working? Are your breasts doing a good enough job? Why is the baby crying? Maybe your breasts are doing a bad job. Why are you stopping to burp the baby? Why are you wearing a cover? Why are you not wearing a cover? Why are you getting up to go nurse in a different room? Is it because of all the questions?
But have you tried laying your baby down drowsy but awake?
Cherish the days. The dishes and laundry can wait. Soak up the memories. One day your child will be heading off to college, and you’ll be glad that you never once did the dishes or laundry while they were around. Of course, you will need to clear a path through the 18-years-worth of unwashed dishes and unwashed laundry. But you can do that together with your child. And then you’ll be creating a new memory you can cherish.
But have you tried sleeping when the baby sleeps?
For the love of everything: cherish the FRICKING moments. WHY ARE YOU NOT CHERISHING THEM?! What the FRICK is wrong with you?!?! You wasted a lot of time reading this. Hope it was worth it. You could have been cherishing the moments.